Sunday, May 20, 2007

Bush Resigns

Normally, I start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans." Not
doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who
more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has
happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.

I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in
a lather a bout me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid
prosecution or something, let me assure you: there's been no breaking of
laws or impeachable offenses in this office.

The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people.

I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on
in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours.
And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and
figure it out.

Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and
the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy
is in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners
including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while we're
mentioning minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership
is at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was
during the Clinton Administration. I've mentioned all those things
before, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.

Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has
rebounded to record levels and more Americans than ever are
participating in these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine
about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that
gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of
the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried
about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.

We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this ~blood for oil"
thing. If I was trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq's
oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give
me this 'Bush Lied People Died' crap either. If I was the liar you
morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in
Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that
the intelligence was faulty. Let me remind you that the rest of the
world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you
that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into
office. Some guy named 'Clinton' established that policy. Bet you
didn't know that, did you?

You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during
the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic
models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because
fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were
simply able to outspend and out-tech them.

That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care
if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as
they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they
ca n. But they are. They want to kill you. And the bastards are all
over the globe.

You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in
the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because
you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military,
law enforcement and homeland security people have worked to make sure of
that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a
long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think
a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor'.

Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things
through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think
that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.

Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy.
Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to
a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dammit, you might
just as well Fedex a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the
same thing.

In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over
the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on
NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of
you would rather watch American Idol.

I could say more about your expectations that the government will always
be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city
that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching. I could say
more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is
where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I
to do so, it would sail right over your heads.

So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient
house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be
fully self-sufficient. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got
elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear
of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the
last pillars of America fall.

Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your
new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully,
because I still have a glimmer of hope that there're just enough of you
remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.

So that's it. God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what
I mean.

The rest of you, Fuck off.

Hat Tip Redneck Grampa