Monday, July 24, 2006

Pope calls for crusade

Hat tip, Crusader.

CrusaderNews24 July-Iran-Tehran was swept with riots by Irish Christian fundamentalist immigrants again today in the wake of an editorial in the influential Iranian newspaper “Insha Allah” alleging that Saint Patrick drank mead and may have been an alcoholic. So far damage estimates are in the millions of rials.

Chanting “death to Islamic pigs” and “Crusaders will kill you all”, about 5000 rioters stormed through Old Tehran setting fire to shops and mosques. The tensions appear to be spreading across the Middle east, with reports of looting, rape and arson in Saudi Arabia, Bahrain and the UAE, where US compounds and European neighbourhoods have long simmered in anger over a perception that Islam is favored over other religions in those countries.

“When its the Haj,” screamed one angry Scottish immigrant rioting in Riyadh, “the government goes all out to accommodate the pilgrims, but achh, come time for Christmas, what do we get?”

The Pope mobilized the Swiss Guard and again called for a Holy Crusade against Islam, with large crowds outside St Peter’s angrily thundering “Deus vult! Deus vult!" ("God wills it") in response to a mass condemning Muslims to hellfire and perdition. He was echoed by Pat Robertson in the United States, who insisted that the only way to reform Islam is by blood and the sword. “God will pick up the pieces in Heaven according to his Will”, said Robertson. “Our job is to bring his Will to earth”.

Jerry Falwell and other more moderate Christian leaders claimed that Christianity is a religion of peace. “Our Father is a kind God and would never condone violence in the streets” he said, “but I can understand why some Christians feel affronted by this direct attack on a Holy Man”. Falwell also expressed concerns over a possible backlash against Christianity, applauding Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for visiting a large Christian congregation in Tehran immediately after the start of the riots and assuring it that all steps would be taken to protect them from violence. Falwell suggested that Iran outlaw blasphemy, since it clearly infringes upon the freedom of Christians.

The Iranian Minister of Immigration Harad bin Milquetoast, in an effort to stop the rioters, has pledged new job creation programs and changes in the school curriculum to reflect Christian values. “We need to build a more inclusive society”, said bin Milquetoast, “one that reflects tolerance and diversity”. He announced plans for the creation of a committee to study the viability of allowing trial by combat, trial by ordeal, and the use of chastity belts for consenting Christians living in Iran. The committee will also review plans to remove the name “Allah” from school literature, and purge all Islamic material from school libraries. Bin Milquetoast also urged people to refer to “the holiday season” instead of “Ramadan” to avoid the appearance of religiocentrism.

Shrime al Commonsense, an opposition critic of the Iranian regime, claimed that immigrants should accept that they are no longer in the countries of their origin, and that they ought really to accept the customs and mores of their new homes. He was quickly branded a racist by the Peace Coalition (PC) , a group of Iranian activists dedicated to harmonious relations between religions. “This kind of rightwing intolerance is the root of the problem”, the group said in a statement issued earlier today. “We all need to learn to be less offensive to people. Instead of criticizing the actions of Christians, let’s be more sensitive to their needs”.

Amid Ahem Turgidarf, a sociologist in Tehran, suggests that the true causes behind the riots have more to do with racism in the Middle East than with religion. “Irish immigrants and indeed all European immigrants are understandably angry over the ghettoization they face in the Middle East”, he claimed. "Clearly more education is required."